It just dawned on me yesterday that I hardly ever wear my former UNIFORM anymore, which is an oversized top with a short bottom (be it shorts or a mini skirt). I used to live in this sort of outfit a year ago, but I've been drawn to longer skirts lately to the point where I almost feel too bare or too exposed when wearing a shorter skirt. Insane, right? Yeah, I know.
In fact, it made me realize that it's a crime to hide my lovely legs away as often as I do. I mean seriously, I have a fine pair of gams. I can hardly believe I used to hate these up until I got to the age of 16-17. I thought they were freakishly thin and awkward with my knobby knees, and totally out of proportion with my "broader" top half. I never EVER wore skirts (except with boots and legwarmers to cover up my skinny calves), even though I used to be a die hard dress lover during my childhood. I sacrificed that piece of me because I wanted to fit in.
Just goes to show how ridiculously insecure teenagers are, right? My experiences seem silly since I'm a thin and nicely proportioned girl according to the beauty standard, but it has enabled me to understand the things every girl with a non "perfect" body goes through. If I was fretting over things this small, how heavy must the load have been for all the other girls with their individual shapes and sizes?
I remember hating swimming lessons because it meant I'd be all naked in front of all these people who would see how imperfect I was. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't ACTUALLY naked of course, but wearing a bathing suit made me feel as if I was. So weird to think about that time and how probably EVERY one of my classmates was thinking the same thing as me to a varying degree, being scared to death of taking a step outside of the dressing rooms and exposing every real or imagined flaw for the world to see. Walking would make this and that jiggle, and what if not every hair had been removed? GASP, god forbid a classmate would notice some hair left peeking out from under your bathing suit, for that would surely be a reason for mocking and ridicule.
Don't worry, I don't want this to be one of those run of the mill posts celebrating all bodyshapes and being all righteous and meaningless because I don't feel I'd add anything to the conversation. I just want to share my past. I hope it offers someone reading this some perspective: everyone has insecurities: they are mental blockages we put up ourselves and they only cripple our potential. There isn't one insecurity that helps you get ahead in life, believe you me. Just fuck that shit and live out and proud. Sticks and stones might break my bones, but it's the way we put ourselves and each other down that breaks our spirit.
You are the only person who can allow other people to tear you down. And you are the only person who can put you back on that pedestal you deserve to be on. No one else has that power over you, unless you give it to them.
God, I think it's too late at night for a good post, I feel like my writing today is both shallow and incoherent. Oh well, I never said I was perfect and I won't apologize for it either! :-D GOOD NIGHT TO YOU
skirt: T2 vintage
ballet flats: don't remember, super old from back when I was 15 or sth!
PS: just watched Mononoke Hime again. LOVE THAT MOVIE