You Are Gold

sweater: H&M - trousers: River Island - loafers: Sacha


So, not to drop a bomb on you guys or anything, but this is the outfit I wore the day after my dad died. It sounds strange to say this in an outfitpost, but when I look at these pictures all I can think of is what I was feeling when I pushed the remote. It seems only logical that I share those feelings with you. Now that his remains have been cremated a few days ago, I feel like I've created enough distance to talk or at least tell people what's up. As you might know, this has been going on for a while: my dad had a stroke about 5 years ago, and after recovering amazingly from the damage that was done to him both physically and mentally, he suffered another major stroke last summer that very nearly killed him. 

Since then he had been slowly recovering, but a few weeks ago my father suffered a relapse. This, in combination with a lifetime of struggling to find whatever he was looking for (redemption? love? a higher meaning? his calling?)that often caused him to suffer emotionally, left him tired of fighting. Two weeks ago I was told my father wanted to end his life. Euthanasia is legal in Belgium. I had ten minutes to say goodbye. To make up for the life ahead of me that would be lived without him. To try and take away the feelings of guilt for not being perfect. To give him some peace. To mend all the broken ends that were left out to fray. Talk about Mission Impossible.

One week ago, me and my siblings lost our daddy. I feel like the pain is dulled a bit by the fact that I was prepared for this to happen because of his second stroke last year. Maybe it's all just happened too fast to really assess the impact it will be having on me. My heart is breaking for my father, for how this life had to end, for him not being able to reach whatever it was he wanted to reach. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans, right? My father was never completely happy, always urging himself and others to be a better person. Was I good enough? Did he feel good enough? This is something I will have to deal with myself now.

Currently, my emotions are all over the place. I'm about to conclude my master's year at Uni so I'm stressing over deadlines for my thesis, but at the same time I just don't care as much. One moment I'm hyper emotional, crying myself to sleep, the next moment I feel normal and happy, and every second in between I just feel numb. It's not like my dad was torn away by some sudden car crash, we had time to prepare. Death is inevitable, the conclusion of life, but are we ever ready to deal? I'm feeling as if I've been dropped off somewhere slightly familiar, but lost without a map or a guiding light.

I'll pull through though, everyone loses their parents at a certain point in their lives. It's ironic that as a kid I used to have recurring nightmares of losing my father. He used to sit me on his lap and tell me he wasn't about to leave, he'd assure me he'd easily reach the ripe old age of 120. Of course I knew that wasn't realistic, but still his words soothed my worries. He didn't even make it halfway, and now all I have left for the next half is memories. Some of them beautiful, some of them not so much. But that's reality, and I don't hold it against him.

I don't believe in heaven or an afterlife, but I hope my dad felt peace in the moments before his passing. Life isn't perfect, but it's the only thing we have.

60 comments

  1. My eyes teared up while reading this and a few tears left my eyes. You wrote this down beautifully! I'm sure your dad would be very proud of you. Heel veel sterkte!

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  2. those words mean the world to me. As a kid I always dismissed him when he told me he knew I would become a writer some day, and look at me know. I guess I did him proud?

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  3. Dit heb je heel mooi geschreven, mijn deelneming meid. De tranen kwamen in mijn ogen toen ik het las. Hopelijk heb je genoeg sterke momenten om dat laatste jaar op de universiteit tot een mooi einde te brengen. En voor de moeilijke momenten, hoop ik dat je de moed vindt om verder te gaan en niet bij de pakken te blijven zitten. Een virtuele knuffel komt langs nu!

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  4. Straight to my heart. Beautifully written. My sincere condolences...

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  5. Nothing more to say then what Isabelle says.

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  6. Very touching and beautifully said, made me cry... sterkte!

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  7. Oh Annebeth! Nu voel ik mij echt een stoeme seut dat ik op één van je vorige posts zei dat ik begrijp hoe jij je voelt, natuurlijk begrijp ik dat niet want zoiets heb ik nog nooit meegemaakt. Heel veel sterkte!

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  8. Sterkte Annebeth! Hopelijk vind je de moed om je studies af te werken en je papa trots te maken :) knuffel xx

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  9. Achter iedere traan schuilt een herinnering van vreugde... veel sterkte!

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  10. Oh, Annebeth, I'm so sad for you. I'm sure he was very proud of you--who wouldn't be? Lots and lots of hugs.xx

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  11. Krijg een krop in de keel van dit te lezen! Heel erg mooi geschreven! Ik wens je heel erg veel sterkte in deze moeilijke tijd!

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  12. i am so sorry. this brought tears to my eyes, especially the part about the nightmares. i have them too. it is such a sad and hard thing we all have to face-- losing our parents. i will keep you in my thoughts <3

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  13. Heel veel sterkte toegewenst. Kan mij amper inbeelden wat je doormaakt, maar kan je alvast een luisterend oor en medeleven aanbieden, for what it's worth. Zoenx

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  14. dat maakt toch niets uit, iedereen heeft zijn eigen problemen en vergelijken heeft geen zin! :)

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  15. Fijn dat je ook dit met ons wil delen, Annebeth. Heel veel sterkte gewenst! En voor wat het waard is, ik denk dat je vader trots op je kan zijn. :) Veel liefs!

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  16. I am so sorry for your loss Annabeth! I can't even imagine what you must be going through. The closest person I've had to lose with my Grandmother the day before my 13th birthday (so about 10 years ago) and I still think of her almost every day. I even have her old perfume and I put it on from time to time to remember her.
    *hugs* My thoughts are with you and your family!!!
    [this seems stupid to say after reading the post but here we go anyway: I love the outfit]

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  17. Oh Annebeth, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you find some peace with his decision soon. I'm glad you were able to say your goodbyes, at least.
    On a practical note, if your thesis deadlines are stressing you, could you ask for an extension so you can allow yourself time to grieve?

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  18. My mum died when I was 16, so I know that there's nothing I can say that will make you feel better. When people said anyhting like "I am sorry, you have to be strong..." I just felt like punching them in their faces. So I am not going to say anything like that.
    But my offer from the other day still stands. When you finish your Masters you'll have some time to do different things I hope, so if I have a bigger place by then you need to come visit London again.

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  19. so beautifully written. i'm so sorry about your dad, but i can tell that you and your siblings had an amazing time with him. i agree with you that life is all we have.

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  20. Heel sterk van je dat je dit kan neerschrijven. Ik wens jou en je familie nog heel veel sterkte en goede moed toe! x

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  21. My sincere condolences Annebeth! I had no idea of what you've been going through.I'm sorry for your loss and for your dad's strokes and emotional ups and downs.
    You must be a very strong girl!In your shoes I would cry and cry and cry, eat loads of ice cream, hide from the world and of course stop blogging and anything related to socialising. But look at you!I wouldnt even think of such a story behing your daily smiley pictures!
    I admire you...you are definitely strong...
    x

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  22. Oh yeah it definitely is. Last year while I was doing my MSc, one of my classmates lost his dad so he had to go back to Libya. He wasnt able to write his thesis, nor participate in the exams.Eventually he got an extension and the problem was solved!

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  23. Annebeth, je hebt een prachtige pen.. Ik moest hier echt van huilen. Je bent zo helder in je verwoording, het gaat recht doorheen mijn hart. Ik hoop dat erover schrijven je goed doet, en dat je rust en steun vindt in je omgeving en bij je familie en vrienden -maar daar twijfel ik niet aan. Heel veel sterkte van mij, en doe het maar rustig aan.
    Liefs,
    Sarah

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  24. This is so beautifully written Annebeth, I hope you are doing ok

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  25. I am sorry for your loss, Annebeth. I am very touched by your words. My condolences to you and your loved ones.

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  26. Oh Annebeth, I'm so sorry to hear of your immense loss. I was afraid that was what you were referring to a few days ago...I can't imagine how strong you are to be doing ANYTHING right now. I'll be thinking of you.

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  27. I'm so sorry to hear this, Annebeth. As Emily said, your father must have been proud of you...you're an unusually eloquent, intelligent and accomplished person. It seems so unfair that people have to go through this kind of loss.

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  28. I'm so sorry, Annebeth. My heart is aching for you right now.

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  29. Annebeth, heel veel sterkte. Ik kan me echt niet voorstellen door welke pijn je nu heen moet, maar ik zie in jou een sterke vrouw waar je vader alleen maar trots op kan zijn om jou als zijn dochter te hebben. Ik vind deze post heel mooi en waardig geschreven. xo

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  30. Laat iedereen die jou verlaat, een deel van zichzelf bij jou achter? Is dit het geheim van herinneringen hebben? Als dat zo is, dan voel ik me veilig. Want dan weet ik dat ik nooit alleen ben.
    Sterkte meid. Liefs x

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  31. Being a human -- an imperfect, impermanent human -- is so hard at times like this. But you narrate your journey through this utterly human pain so beautifully that I can just tell you will grow and learn and flourish because of your willingness to be there, in the complexity of your loss. My heart goes out to you and my thoughts are with you.

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  32. Annebeth, I'm so sorry to hear this, it's so moving and touching. I am sure your dad would be proud of you - if writing it out helps you, write as much as you can! I can't even understand how you're feeling right now, but you are so brave to put this out in the world, as awesome as always!! Hope you're okay, although I know that probably doesn't mean much right now.
    xxx

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  33. Hele mooie post. Wel grappig (naja, "grappig") om te merken dat onze emoties vrij goed overeenkomen. En een hele mooie outfit, prachtige kleuren en ik vind je haar in een paardenstaart ook heel leuk!

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  34. Bij mijn mama is in januari borstkanker vastgesteld, met een operatie en een reeks bestralingen tot gevolg. Die bestralingen zijn nu pas stopgezet. Nu liggen mijn papa én mijn opa in het ziekenhuis. Ik heb ook om uitstel van mijn thesis gevraagd, aangezien ik ook nog een examen heb die ik moét halen (omdat ik dat vak tris) en ik ook nog 6 weken stage heb. Ik mag mijn thesis nu in augustus afgeven. Dus in jouw geval zou dat zéker mogelijk zijn. Dikke kus en knuffel! xoxo

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  35. Nothing I say will help but we all love you. I cried so hard at this post!

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  36. Very well written honey. My heart pains for you now. At least he died on his own terms right? I know that doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.

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  37. Prachtig geschreven!! Je hebt echt talent! Love those shoes by the way!

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  38. Veel sterkte nog trouwens, te snel getypt daarnet..

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  39. Oh my dear, I wish I could just wrap you up in a great big hug. I'm sending you good thoughts, I hope they reach you!

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  40. Oh Annebeth, I am so sorry. My condolences to you and your family.
    I don't really know what to say but I hope you're doing okay, as much as you can. I cried when I read this post. I know you are such a strong woman and you will come through this even stronger.
    Your dad will have been so proud of you for everything you did and I know you will go on to do his memory proud. My thoughts are with you and your family, and I send my love.

    Charlotte x

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  41. speechless.
    albeit this is very beautiful written, if I may say so.
    With deepest sympathy.

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  42. Fuck. I'm so sorry... So sorry... My sincere condolences...

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  43. I'm so sorry about your loss. I hope that you'll have time to heal and that the support and love of your friends and family (and perhaps even the readers of your blog) will see you through. I really like that you started this out with an outfit picture- because life will go on for those who are still living. And grief can make even simple acts like getting dressed or smiling or putting on lipstick seem trivial, when it's not trivial! They are small privileges of living.

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  44. Ik was even stil nadat ik dit las. Prachtig geschreven. Verder ben ik even alle woorden kwijt. Ik hoop dat je steun vindt bij je dierbaren en familie en deze periode kan doorkomen. Ik zou niet weten hoe ik hiermee zou moeten omgaan. Maar ik ben blij dat je enigszins oké bent. Maarja, wat is dat, oké? Je bent een geweldig persoon, dat staat buiten kijf, en je vader was vast heel trots op je. Echt, veel sterkte!

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  45. I have no idea what to say except I am so so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  46. I am so sorry, Annebeth. My heart broke as I read this. I wish there was something that could be said to make you feel better, but after reading your posts for so long, I can't think of any reason why he (or anyone else) wouldn't be proud of you. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

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  47. How can I say I'm sorry for your and your siblings' loss (and its awful circumstances) without being repetitive? I don't think that such words exist. So, I'll just send you positive thoughts and prayers. I hope you can get better soon from all this pain and that you'll find again your beautiful smile.

    Life is a romantic poem

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  48. Annebeth, ik wens jou en je familie heel veel sterkte. Ik kan me niet voorstellen hoe het moet zijn maar ik weet zeker dat je veel mensen rond je hebt die van je houden en je steunen. Ik denk aan jullie.

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  49. I'm so sorry to hear this. I feel like your dad should be so proud of you. You are getting your masters, you are able to convey so much feeling in your writing and you're so brave to post how you feel online. Even if you never posted another picture, I would read your blog! I wish I had that ability. I know that words from a stranger probably don't mean as much as they would coming from your dad but you have a lot to be proud of. You're in my thoughts in this difficult time and I wish you the best!

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  50. Hey Annebeth, woorden schieten tekort, maar ik wil je via deze weg toch een hart onder de riem steken. Pretty heavy sh*t, zeg! Heel veel sterkte voor jou en je familie in deze donkere tijden. Dikke knuffel!

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  51. Hi,

    I read your blog every now and then.

    My Dad died of lung cancer 3 weeks ago. Just wanted to post and say that I know what you're going through and I think it helps to know you're not the only one.

    He was an amazing Dad and I'm glad I got to spend so much time with him. He made me who I am and I'll always be grateful to him for that. I am only 25, I imagine you are a similar age, and I imagine that, like me, you feel robbed of many future memories you would have shared with him, such as your wedding, children, or just many more lovely days together.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Lucy

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  52. I feel the same way. Thanks for your sympathy and support, I feel so sorry for you too.

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  53. Super late reply, thank you delayed Disqus notifications.
    I don't know how it works for higher levels, but during my degree, it was possible, yeah. A friend lost his brother in a car accident, and the University were fantastic and allowed him extra time for his dissertation. It might be different in the UK though.

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  54. I actually live in Belgium! :) thank you

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