Wenchweek/Wijvenweek: Flaws


Tuesday's assignment for wijvenweek is "guilty pleasures and flaws". Hmm, I don't know about this one. As a certified postmodernist, I am a big advocate of loving whatever you love without feeling guilty about it, unless you are hurting someone else by experiencing your "guilty pleasure" of course. Watching Bridezillas on tv is just a passtime for example, while kicking kittens is a guilty pleasure. Stuffing your face with pizza is eating, stealing your neighbour's mail is a guilty pleasure. Ya dig? Why should we be ashamed of loving what we love? Who is the eye in the sky telling us what is deemed worthy of our time, and what isn't? Ah, but I shall refrain from making every.single.post. in wenchweek about feminism! You probably don't want to read me go on and on about how James Bond is considered a classic franchise, while most people would roll their eyes at you when you'd tell them you LOVE the Bold and the Beautiful. Or how superhero comicbooks are geeky cool collector's items that get big Hollywood movie releases, while girly animated series hardly ever reach cult status (unless they contain schoolgirls in short skirts). Or how admitting you love videogames as a girl garners you lots of geekboners and bro-points, while a guy who loves My Little Pony is a sorry sight to be seen. No wai José, I shall not put my Feminazi costume on today!

So, talking about guilty pleasures is off the table, since that usually turns into implicitly girl-hating crap anyway. Let's talk about flaws then. Riding the bus home from an interview, I contemplated the significance of the mistakes I have made in my life and how I could write a nice story about them. My thoughts quickly turned towards more meta-concerns: how to take it to the next level by honesty, yet not expose me and my loved ones too much? How to reach some sort of morale after long and winding sentences? How to write towards some sort of higher significance? Should I start writing in Dutch? What to make for dinner? Also I needed to pee? Ah, the bus, womb of stillborn inspiration. Thing is, of course I have made mistakes. I have daddy issues, which has led me to seeking the approval of every man in sight for much of my teenage years. I have been a bitch and had fun making others feel bad. I have picked my nose. I have lied to my parents. I have skipped school. I have kicked my cat. I have been involved with a guy who was not actually up for grabs. I have watched porn. I suck at cleaning the bathroom, and I hate that my skin is too sensitive for daily shavingz. I am human, basically. SURPRISE! Those things don't define me. I never feel guilty about them, or reminisce about how to overcome them. Or at least, most of the time I think I don't.

Secretly, my flaw is probably my insecurity. I demand a lot from people, but the standards I set for myself are at least as high. Most of the time I think I live up to them: I have never failed (or mediocre'd) an exam, I have passed all life's thresholds I should have passed by now (except for getting a driver's license, ugh!), I am pretty, I am funny, I am smart. But two weeks ago, when my boyfriend pulled me close in the middle of the night and told me - completely out of character- he often felt he almost didn't deserve me, and how he would brag to his colleagues about my accomplishments and other assets because he was so crazy proud of me, I broke down and cried. And I realized how much, at 24, I still need his approval, anyone's approval, everyone's approval, and the certainty that I won't stand alone tomorrow, set up to fail. A load of worries and cares fell off my shoulders while I laid there in his arms.



Lana sings my sorrows.

I want to be the whole world's girl, grandma
Tell me do you think that's wrong?

Don't cry, honey, crazy girl
Don't you know you are the world?

20 comments

  1. Heel erg mooi en sterk geschreven, je hebt er echt talent voor :). Heel interessant ook om je flaws te lezen, je legt de lat best hoog! Ik herken de onzekerheid echt enorm, mooi stuk echt :).

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  2. Laatste stukje is heel mooi/herkenbaar!

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  3. You're lucky to have such a loving, open relationship :) Thanks for sharing something so intimate, I can imagine how difficult that could be. I spent a long time measuring my value by how other people valued me, it took me a lot of pain and hard work to get to a point where I can stand on my one and know I have value without needing others to validate it. I still need it sometimes though, that's for sure, we all have our issues (I have them daddy issues too). *hugs*

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  4. Your boyfriend just got major brownie points with me. Or maybe major brony points? : D We're all afraid of failing (my bf theorizes that we're afraid of succeeding, but I heartily disagree). I need loads of assurance myself, even though I know I'm where it's at. Probably that's why we're style bloggers... where else can you get so much love every day?! Here's your daily dose from me: you're AWESOME!

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  5. Echt mooi geschreven, zo herkenbaar!! Sterk dat je dat hier zo doet! xx

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  6. I totally want to become a grade A bronie now, though. And you're so right, why else would we blog and dress up? :D

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  7. I have the same 'daddy issues', I guess. I just realized it years ago, out of the blue. My endless boyfriends, seeking (and getting) attention from almost every male, even if I don't have a particular interest in him, ... subconsciously seeking approval or a band that I never got with my father. This just turned into a habit and my way to communicate with male species, I guess.

    Luckily I never felt the pressure to achieve. I always had good grades that came almost effortless, so I can't complain. I don't feel the need to get straight A's, though, 'cause my grades definitely don't define my personality or knowledge. I never felt the urge to make everything to 'perfect', as it is far from it and perfection is usually boring to me. I like to be in control and don't let anyone or anything push me into a pattern where I'd be depending on their opinion or expectations. Unless I am willing to, off course :)

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  8. I love how brutally honest this is, a lot of people sugarcoat things or would try to minimize everything. I love these posts!!!
    xJennaD

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  9. I never really had to try for grades either, but that made it even MORE of a prestigious thing to me: good grades without trying is even better than good grades through lots of work, I guess. Just like I hate practicing, I need to be good straight away.

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  10. Aw Annebeth! You are beautiful, smart and stylish but most of all you are a human and congrats for having the guts to admit that you were a bitch, have stolen etc..We are girls, we cry and we have insecurity...Its ok...:) Just smile :D
    xo

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  11. Mooi stuk, Annebeth, ik vind het geweldig hoe je jezelf zo open - en dus kwetsbaar - durft opstellen.

    Verder zijn jongens die van pony's en eenhoorns houden geweldig: http://youtu.be/L6UWR0kSFcE Quod erat demonstrandum!

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  12. sometimes I think I don't work as hard because if you REALLY give it your all and you fail, you can't blame it on not trying your hardest... Fear of failure.

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  13. Another great read. I don't think there's anyone there who is not insecure about something of themselves, some just realize it better than others. But, oh how, you had me glued to the laptop reading this. You also need to be really proud of your writing!

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  14. thank you for your beautiful compliment!!

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  15. Every post I read of yours makes you even more one of my absolute favorite fashion bloggers. I love how honest you are! This is a wonderful post. And hey, we all want approval from someone. Maybe some more than others, but I think that's just part of human nature to want to be approved of, and loved, and supported by those we love.
    And also, your boyfriend sounds SO sweet! I'm glad you have someone as lovely as you! (I hope that made sense.)

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  16. I know how lucky I am, he is perfect for me! thank you so much for your sweet words :)

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  17. Even though you let your costume in the closet, the costume was still right. ;)
    Absolutely loved your post Annebeth: I saw a side I haven't read from you before and I loved it. It was sincere, it was real, it was - like you said - human! And give that boy an extra hug, please, for making you see yourself through his loving eyes! :)

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  18. This is beautiful, you're beautiful, and this reminds me that I am beautiful. I love your writings.

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